A Press Conference We'd All Love to Hear

A quick search of snopes.com will inform you all that this press conference never happened, and because of that it becomes a case of, "If its not real, it damn well should be!"

*More in the extended section*

For your entertainment, here is Retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant R. Lee Ermey at his first press conference. The main topic of discussion is the Marine in Iraq who shot the Iraq insurgent to death. We pick up as the reporter asks about how this potential war crime will affect our image inthe world:

Ermey: "WHAT KIND OF A PANSY-ASSED QUESTION IS THAT?"

Reporter 1: "Well I think...."

Ermey: "THINK, FANCY BOY?! GET THIS THROUGH THAT SEPTIC TANK ON TOP OF YOUR SHOULDERS, MORON : I DON'T GIVE A DAMN WHAT YOU THINK, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME??? THAT MARINE SHOT AN ENEMY COMBATANT, SHITHEAD; SO GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASSAND DEAL WITH IT BEFORE I MAKE YOU MY OWN PERSONAL PIN CUSHION!!! NEXT QUESTION: YOU IN THE BLUE SUIT."

Reporter 2: Don't you think that the world's opinion of our operations is important?

Ermey: "OH SURE! YOU DON'T KNOW THE TIMES I HAVE CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP WORRYING ABOUT WHAT SOME GODDAMNED FRENCH PANSY THINKS! OH THE DAYS I HAVE HAD TO WEEP BECAUSE SOME SHIT EATING TERRORIST FUCKER MIGHT BE MAD AT US, BECAUSE WE WENT INTO WHATEVER GOD FORSAKEN HOLE IN THE SHIT THAT HE LIVES IN AND KILLED HIM. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF DUMBASS QUESTION IS THAT YOU PETER-PUFFING JACKASS?? WE ARE THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, AND WHEN YOU ATTACK US, WE ARE GOING TO COME TO YOUR HOUSE AND BLOW YOUR STINKING CAMEL-LICKING CARCASS INTO PIECES SO SMALL WE WILL BE ABLE TO BURY YOUR SORRY ASS IN A THIMBLE!! YEAH, I KNOW WHAT YOU ARE THINKING. YOU ARE PROBABLY AFRAID, THINKING THAT I HAVE SUCH AN "EXTREME" ATTITUDE AND THAT I NEED TO BE MORE "SENSITIVE" TO OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS. WELL LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING YOU POLE-SMOKING PANSY! I DON'T GIVE TWO SHITS WHAT YOU OR ANYBODY ELSE THINKS! THIS IS A DAMN WAR, AND IF YOU CAN'T HANDLE THAT, THEN YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND SUCK ON MAMMA'S TIT!! DO YOU HEAR ME YOU RUNT?? NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I GO CRAZY AND BEAT THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF YOU!!! NEXT QUESTION: YOU WITH THE UGLY-ASSED TIE. LOOK AT THAT THING! IT IS HIDEOUS."

Reporter 3: "Aren't you going against the freedom of the press by . . . "

Ermey: "FREEDOM?? WHAT IN BLUE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT REEDOM?
I HAVE SWEATED MY ASS OFF IN JUNGLES, WHILE BEING SHOT AT FOR THIS NATION!! WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE YOU LITTLE SHIT-SUCKING WEASEL? WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU PUT YOUR ASS ON THE LINE FOR ANYTHING? AND YET YOU HAVE THE UNMITIGATED TEMERITY TO SHOW UP HERE AND MONDAY-MORNING QUARTERBACK THE ACTIONS OF A BRAVE MARINE, WHO WAS DEFENDING HIMSELF AND HIS UNIT FROM AN ATTACK BY SOME MURDEROUS AL-QUEDA SYMPATHIZER!!! YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT I AM CONCERNED ABOUT, NUMBNUTS? I AM CONCERNED ABOUT A BUNCH OF GRABASSTIC , ORGANIZED MORONS WITH CAMERAS AND MICROPHONES DOING THEIR BEST TO PORTRAY OUR BRAVE MEN AND WOMEN AS WAR CRIMINALS! I AM CONCERNED ABOUT CHICKEN-SHIT PANSIES THAT WANT US TO NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS AND WHINE ABOUT THEIR PISS-ANT "FREEDOMS"!!"

Reporter 3: "I . . . "

Ermey: "DID YOU HAVE A BIG BOWL OF STUPID FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING, NUMBNUTS? I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANOTHER WORD OUT OF THAT COMMIE CRY-HOLE IN THAT SHIT-PILE YOU CALL A HEAD! AND THAT GOES TRIPLE FOR THE REST OF YOU PANSY-ASSED MORONS!NOW GET THE HELL OUT OF MY PRESS ROOM BEFORE I SHOVE MY BOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS THAT YOU CHOKE TO DEATH ON MY SHOELACES!!!!"

Let 'em have it Gunny, now to give some lessons to W's press secretary and put some more smack down on Helen Thomas, and the rest of the idiotarian press squad.