DADISM # 66

"Don't take any wooden nickles!"

{This dadism has been passed down through the generations, even though most dads have never seen a wooden nickle or even know what one is.}

Translation: Don't get conned!

DADISM # 65

"Where you raised in a barn? It's freezing in here."

{Dad's attempt at metaphor is usually lost on the child who absentmindedly leaves the door open on a cold day. The more effective alternative might be:}

Close the damn door!

Alternate uses:
I know its cold out but are we heating the entire neighborhood?
Or for summer use when dad is bemoaning the high cost of air conditioning:
Are we trying to cool off the entire neighborhood?

DADISM # 64

"I never talked to my old man like that!"

Translation: "I can't think of a snappy comeback right now, so I'm going to play the guilt card. After all it works for Mom."

DADISM # 63

“Is that a threat or a promise?”

Other variants: Don’t let the door hit you in the rear…I’ll help you pack…Write when you get work!

{Little Sally has just thrown the tantrum of the decade. She stomps to her room, slams the door; and screams, “I’m running away from home, and I’m never coming back!” That’s when Dad launches into “reverse psychology” mode, all the while hoping the plan doesn’t backfire because he just can’t take another dramatic scene at the bus stop.}

DADISM # 62

"What part of no don't you understand?"

{Every day, all over the world, dads and their kids engage in the following kind of exchange:}

Kid: Dad, can I go to the Ruptured Spleen concert tonight?

Dad: No.

Kid: But everyboy's going!

Dad: No.

Kid: But I've already bought the ticketss for fifty-five dolalrs each!

Dad: No.

Kid: I've got a date and a ride and everything!

Dad: What part of no don't you understand?

DADISM # 61

"Never buy the extended warranty."

{When dads are making a major purchase they hate paying extra money for anything - sales tax, handling fees, service contracts, and, especially, extended warranties.}

It's just the principle of the thing.

DADISM # 60

" I paid good money for that."

[Good money (n): Money that has been earned, inherited, won in a poker game, refunded by the IRS, etc.]

Not to be confused with "bad money" since, to a dad, there's no such thing.

DADISM # 59

"As long as you live under my roof, you'll love by my rules."

{A man's home is his castle, the only place he can truly feel like a king - at least, when Mom isn't around. And no matter how old a child may get, Dad still gets to make the rules for all who dwell under his roof.}

That is why most kids tend to leave home around the age of eighteen.

DADISM # 58

"Don't you know any normal boys?"

{Dad's definition of normal: Clean, well dressed, gainfully employed, and college bound. Preferably the daughter's age but no more than two years older. Short, coservative hairstyle. No peircings or tattoos. Absent of leather except for letter jackets. Drives a conservative car. Well-mannered. Comes to the front door on dates; converses with Dad with a well-rounded knowledge of business and sports, especially golf.}

This effectively eliminates 98% of all teenage boys.

DADISM # 57

"Do your homework."

{During the school year, the following exchange between father and child occurs approximately 1, 345,977 times a night in the United States alone.}

Dad: Do your homework.
Child: I don't have any.
Dad: You've gotta have homework. You're in high school, for cryin' out loud!
Child: I told you, I don't.
Dad: Then go read a book.
Child: Can't I gotta watch Politically Incorrect for my government class.
Dad: Is that what they're teaching you in school these days?