Naked Ballet

I promised Texas Grey that I would tell her about naked shaved guy, or more correctly naked shaved fat guy. Get ready because here he comes.

I work out quite regularly, and I’m lucky enough to have a weight room and gym not more than 50 feet from my office so it makes it very convenient. I first met naked shaved guy (NSG) about 2 years ago. I was already in the weight room working out when someone idiot walks in and loudly exclaims, “You can’t get big on this stuff!” Two days earlier the weight room staff had installed all new machines and I have to admit they are pretty good. So I’m assuming that he is some sort of supervisor for the contractor that manages the facilities, and I don’t pay much attention to him. It wasn’t until later that I find out he is the man that will always be known as NSG.

Across the hall from the weight room are the locker rooms. Since it’s a small facility there are only two showers in each locker room, so if more than a couple people are in there changing it can get crowded. It had been a good workout and I was taking my typical 3 minute shower. I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, as I pulled back the curtain and stepped over to my locker, there he is. A big, and by big I do not mean tall and built but rather fat man standing there in front of the mirror admiring himself. At some point in time NSG must have been a body builder but like a lot of body builders when he quit working out…he forgot to quit eating. So it wasn’t a pretty sight. He is tan from head to toe with nary a tan line in sight, and not a hair visible on his body which seemed awfully unusual for someone of such obvious Italian descent. He is obviously oblivious to everyone in there who is trying their best to get dressed and get out of there before he does something even weirder, when it happens.

He turns and looks around the locker room. No he doesn’t just turn his head and look around he actually pirouettes, if that’s what you can call it, turning his entire body in a circle. Now imagine if you will a ballerina balancing on one foot and spinning like a graceful animal, now take that image and remember if you will those Saturday morning cartoons we all used to watch as kids and hopefully you can remember the one Walt Disney cartoon of the ballerina hippo. Got it? Now think fat ugly man with no hair on his body, let me say that again, no hair anywhere on his body, spinning around in some sort of macabre ballet move, undercarriage flopping about like something that you might find hanging off of Jabba the Hut. Got that image in your head? Going to have nightmares tonight? I thought so, and welcome to my world!

Yes, NSG had just checked out the room, and we all were in his gaze. If I hadn’t been there myself and my office mate had been there too, I would have thought it was a nightmare. At that point NSG must have been feeling pretty good about himself because he grabbed his pants out of his locker and without putting on any underwear pulls them on. Let that bit of information sink in for a minute, NSG goes commando! He is hot stuff momma, watch out he’s coming after you, YUCK! By then I was ready to get out of there so I finished dressing and all but ran to my office up stairs, with office mate right behind.

NSG’s antics don’t stop there either, for instance there is the time we catch him in front of the mirror again, wearing a pair of black bikini underwear. I’m still not even sure they were men’s underwear. Or the time that he came into the weight room wearing Lycra with his twig and berries all shoved out for all to see. Yes, NSG is always good for a nightmare or two.

Seems that he doesn’t restrict his offending behavior to just his nakedness either. At last years Christmas party my office mate and I relate our experiences with NSG to some of our fellow female employees. Seems they have had some run-ins with him also, as one day they had both gone into his office to do something with the Recreation Association and he was in there “reading” a Playboy. Yeah I’m sure he was just reading the article, that’s all we ever do right? Well he makes no attempt to hide it or even put it away he just leaves it there open on his desk while he talks to them. Freaky man, just freaky, especially when you consider, he is not the freakiest man that uses that locker room. Just think of that scene from Alien where the creature pops out of the poor man’s chest…and think of that if a man was wearing a Speedo. *Shudder*